Pink Flea Statue on Miami Beach

Miami. A Flea Gangsta’s Paradise.

Happy first day of spring, or what we in the flea biz like to call eating season! I’m reporting live from down here in the best city in the world, Miami Beach, Florida. I believe I am the world’s first-ever blogging flea, and believe me, there’s a lot to talk about. Obviously, you want to know all about me, my life, my opinions and my fine tastes (I’m a connoisseur in blood tasting, and I love an older vintage canine rich in dark red cells…) So, I’ll get started. I mean, you have a star here, why waste time on small talk? (For those of you who’ve been living in a cave, here’s some of my best work from last year…c’mon, you know you wanna watch!)

Miami. Could there be a better city? Could there be a better climate? It’s like paradise. Now, I’m gonna give you some underground scoop here on what kinda action fleas are lookin’ for down on South Beach. We see the humans ogling the bathing suit beauties and the tanned, manly muscles. But that’s not our scene, baby. Oh no. Give me a Labrador on a leash. Show me a Shih Tzu with a sunny sheen on her fur, blazing in this heavy, humid Florida heat and then you’re speakin’ my language!

And while I’m known all over South Beach as a real flea’s flea, I’m not that different than the rest. Pure bred, shelter dogs, stray mutts or pampered Pomeranians with $300 pedicures. Hello! Oh, and don’t even get me started on the felines. They’d edit it all out. It’s beyond what I can share in mixed company. You got fur, I got some pincers just waitin’ for you. We all do. (Well, except Frank. He likes the retired ladies in string bikinis more than the Beagles they take on parade. But his is the usual sad story: cushy life in a beach condo…indoor fogger…barely escaped with his life back into the wild. Hasn’t been right since…)

The fact is, we fleas…we’re lucky. Sure, Miami Beach is year-round heaven. The rains, the sticky, sizzling air. It’s all partying all the time. It’s micro-sized mojitos, moonlight crawls and, you know, a whole lotta egg laying 24/7, 365. But just like you humans celebrate the opening of swim season, or barbeque season, or however else you celebrate that warm, sultry weather change, we celebrate the opening of – you got it – US season! Flea season! Best of all – it isn’t just one day. Today’s the first day of spring, but that is the first of firsts. The first day of OUR opening season rolls on and on, across the country.

So, however near or far you are from this magical paradise of Miami Beach, don’t worry – we’ll be there soon. Get your dogs and cats ready. We’re thirsty. We’re ready.

And please, do a bug a solid: pay NO attention to any information on this blog that has to do with products that would wipe us out. Why would you want to do that? All we want is a peaceful, swampy place, all the blood we can drink and a free meal any old time from your precious cat or dog. Or, you know, your own ankle. We’re not picky.

See you soon, fans. See you real soon.

PS. That photo at the top really begs a question. How long before we ditch the ugly pink snail statues and get some REAL bug art up in here, Miami Beach? Someone call City Hall for me. I would, but I left my iPhone in Tampa last weekend when I was club jumping in Ybor. Okay, I was phone jacked by a tick outside the dog track. But seriously, those guys are huge!

Photo credit: Pink Snail on Miami Beach by Phillip Pessar

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