Hooray! Today’s “If Pets Had Thumbs Day”

Many of you may know March 3 as simply the day after March 2, or the day five days before March 8 (Do Your Hair Like Martin Sheen Day). I am here to break you of your sad little misperceptions and open your eyes to the true wonder, the true magnificence of the day two days after March 1 (Wrap Your Head in Canadian Bacon Day) and 12 days before March 15 (Stab a Dictator Day).

So, what’s the big deal?

March 3 is “If Pets Had Thumbs Day.”

Join me in jubilation.

As man of science and a doctor of animals, though, I can’t say I am totally in support of this day. I can only imagine some of the things that my patients might decide to do to me to exact their revenge for my clumsy attempts at healing over the years.

Hey doc — remember that rectal exam?

I am sure something beneficial could come of all this something that helps the sad state of the many pets out there. And who needs help more than pets in shelters? I can see some poor, lonely shelter dog using his newfound opposable appendage to unlatch his run and find his own darn home. No more waiting for the kids to stop by the pound and say, “Daddy, can we take him home?” Nope, with his newfound flexible phalanges, he can open the door his own self and trot on into the living room of his forever family. Daddy — he let himself in, did the taxes, fixed the refrigerator and made us all silver-dollar pancakes and fresh-squeezed orange juice — can we keep him?

Really, the possibilities are endless. Instead of merely sitting by the hearth and providing us with endless quantities of unconditional love, they can now contribute to the running of the household, in exactly the same way that I don’t.

That extra load of laundry? Fluffy’s on it!

That massage you have been meaning to schedule? Spot is kitty-on-the-spot with that one!

And the litter box will almost literally clean itself now.

There could be a dark side to this, however. It’s not all silver-dollar pancakes and Canadian bacon, after all. If pets suddenly developed thumbs, I can see all manner of problems with homeless pets hitchhiking all over the U.S. There would also be more toenails to trim.

That’s really all I can think of for the downside to this (feel free to leave some more in the comments section).

The kind folks behind Pet Health Central are all twitterpated about If Thumbs Had Pets Day I know Larissa went right out and had some banners and T-shirts made for the office, and I am pretty sure that Megan has taught Super Smiley to give the Fonzi “thumbs up” on command (getting him to do the “aaaaaaaaaay” bit will take a little more training I think he is holding out for more yummy treats before he tackles that one).

Actually, now that the excitement is wearing off, it occurs to me that the pets I work on (dogs and cats) do have thumbs. They have these useless little nubbins (called dew claws) that are anatomically the same thing as the human thumb. They just can’t do anything with them, kinda like that Gazelle exercise machine I have in the basement. Or my hair.

So, that must mean that the main focus of If Thumbs Had Pets Day is NOT the already thumb-tastic dog or cat, but America’s other favorite pet, the alpaca. Why they didn’t just name it If Alpacas Had Thumbs Day is beyond me. We all know that horses and goats (America’s #3 and #4 favorite pets and a tie for #1 in Albania!) have thumbs, so designating the day for them is patently absurd. It is also possible that they got things mixed up in the naming process and it was supposed to be If Thumbs Had Pets Day, but that seems like either something from a fever dream or a Dali painting.

So, really, there’s no need to wait until March 3 for pets to get their thumbs! They had them all along! Every day is If Pets Had Thumbs Day!

Now, get out there and start stabbing dictators you only have a couple of weeks to prepare.

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